Pain, like a kick to the chest

Sudden and unexpected as I while I watched Arrow, which I adore.

There on the screen, Oliver and his Baby Momma come face to face. All good. It’s part of the story line. Then, scene shift and cinematographly it happened and I saw:

Baby Momma, speaking to her child via the phone, glances back over her shoulder in time to see … her Baby Daddy walking out of the door. Probably forever. He didn’t look back. He just went forward into his future and into his new life. Baby Momma was … left behind. A look of grief flickered across the face on the screen and I HOWLED.

I know that pain.

My Baby Daddy was not to blame. Like the Arrow, Bay Daddy and I, and our daughter, was victim of someone else’s malignancy and agenda. I don’t blame him and I tried so hard to do my best. Still, I failed our daughter in so many ways. I was still sentenced to the penal colony of my toxic parent’s creation. “If I can’t have you, no one can!” And because I hated her, and made no bones about that, she wanted to prove how wrong I am about EVERYTHING by turning our daughter against me.

I can’t describe how much I endured, how much I stuff down. I was nearly 300 pounds at one point. I warned everyone I could how That Person was emotionally dangerous. I tried SO HARD to protect our daughter.

So many failures. How could I succeed when the rug was constantly being pulled from beneath my feet? No excuses, though. The damage done by Histrionic Personality Disorder/Toxic Parent’s crazy making behavior is/was extensive to me, but, yes, I failed our daughter in many ways.

I will carry that weight all of my life and, doubtlessly, into my well-deserved place in Hell.
I will do my penance for the crime that is mine and is still is so close to me.

I saw the scene on Arrow. I know that pain.

” I know I still believe he’d never let me leave, I had to run away alone
So many threats and fears, so many wasted years,
before my life became my own

” And though the nightmares should be over,
some of the terrors are still intact
I’ll hear that ugly, coarse, and [lying] voice,
and then [she] grabs me from behind, and then pulls me back…” (Meatloaf)